Trump & Demented Peeping Tom Pals Peek in Your Bedroom
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drummin. Jump when they tell us they wanna see jumpin. F*k that I wanna see some fists pumpin. Risk somethin take back what's yours -Linkin Park "Hands Held High"
BLUE LETTER
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Cliff’s Note: Next week we’ll try splitting this into two Wednesday letters, as some of you have told me this one’s too long. You’ll get my column + some Pitchbot. And you’ll get a separate email w/ David’s video + some pitchbot. We’re doing all we can to make your experience the best possible! We’ll send out a survey to that end, likely Friday
Bakeries cannot be forced to sell cakes to gay couples. But farmers
market vendors can be forced to sell pierogis to pedophiles. by Samuel
Alito, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, John Roberts, and Clarence
Thomas
DAVID SHUSTER VIDEO, EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOU!
WATCH as David Shuster’s video shows us J.D. Vance in all his glory—supposedly defending Trump, yet ensuring the Epstein story keeps going!—and also proving Trump’s brain is…mush.
Cliff’s Note: Trump & MAGA Believe in the Sanctity of Their Marriage! And Their 2nd. And 3rd…
Remember Kim Davis from a decade ago? The Kentucky Fried corn hole who became a right-wing folk hero a decade ago for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. Because God told her she could ignore the Supreme Court.
Ya know, God does work in mysterious ways. And by mysterious, I mean, maybe she/he should cast a wider net when choosing with whom to chat using multi-syllabic words?
These days, Kimmy is trying to drag her super-crusade against gay couples all the way to our Opus Dei Court. Where upside-down-flag Alito and the other robed Republicans will be working on trying to rip away the rights of millions of LGBTQ Americans in the near future.
(Trump has had zero to say about this. And that’ll likely stay the same, unless a path to financial gain presents itself. Maybe he can impose a tariff on it? Then TACO!).
Because remember, there is nothing—nuuuuthing—as important as the sanctity of marriage!
And Kim-Kim sure does know a thing or two about marriage! In fact, if we accept that one gains experience through practicing an activity over and over again, Kim Davis is nothing short of the LeBron James or Tom Brady of marriage.
You see, Davis, moral arbiter of the nation, has been married not once, or twice, not three times—but four times! It’s like she gets new husbands every time she calls out “bingo!” at the local Rowan County, KY rec center.
Seriously, I was unaware one could turn getting married into a hobby.
(MORE IN THE VIDEO BELOW)
But it gets better, as it always does with these masters of projection. The ones who pilot the bombardier of justice straight through cumulus clouds to drop their malnourished opinions into the lives of those they’ve never met.
While, of course, turning their own lives into an East Palestine, OH style train wreck.
So, Kim—our Dear Abby of the asinine—conceived twins with Husband #3 while still married to Husband #1. (Where was Husband #2? Listening next door and getting it so wrong he was like Chrissy from Three’s Company? Because, otherwise, I don’t quite get the decision to marry her under these circumstances).
But this is ok when like Kim, you possess the silken image of class, kindness and an old world charm that bedevils the rest of us.
And this particular paragon of virtue is a perfect fit for the perpetually moralizing Republican Party! Take Donald Trump, the guy who speaks in circular thought nowadays.
He had five kids with three wives, publicly convinced a newspaper to adorn its cover with his mistress—who’d become Wife #2—supposedly saying it was her “best sex ever.” One moment, please, while I throw up everything I’ve eaten…and everything I’ve not eaten, over the past 4 days.
Ok, back to our story. Later on, Trump cheated on Wife #3, a nude model (I don’t care, but they claim to), with a porn star—all while his newborn son was just a few months old.
How truly sanctity-like!
Or how about Newt Gingrich, former GOP Speaker of the House and Trump Clown 1.0, who’s had three wives. He served a wife divorce papers while she was in a hospital bed battling cancer, and cheated on another with a staffer while impeaching Bill Clinton for…cheating on his wife.
Sanctity-erific!
How about Rudy Giuliani, “America’s Mayor?” No, we’re not talking about that crap dripping down his face or his well-planned out sojourn to Five Seasons Landscaping. Or his audible toots that made it sound like Louis Armstrong on trumpet was his theme music while testifying—or shall we say falsifying?—election claims in Michigan.
Rudy’s also had three wives, the second of which he divorced by announcing it on live television—without telling her! As one does. Oh and his first wife was his cousin.
Sanctity-Level 5 Unlocked!
But wait—there’s more! This is the same crowd that shouts about imaginary “Democratic pedophile cabals” while covering for their own predators. The longest serving Republican House Speaker, Denny Hastert, went to prison for fondling teenage boys.
And, of course right now Trump’s trying to distract his way out of the Epstein files. We know he prominently appears in them because they had 1000 FBI agents working on squeegee-ing his name out of them. While complaining crime is going up (it isn’t).
How sanctity-ish!
The same politicians pushing child marriage laws in Republican-led states. The same red states and localities in our fine nation where one can find a giant Lion’s Den adult superstore right next to a cross on the side of the road.
Which is the best Kim Davis metaphor: an Adult Superstore sitting next to a cross.
Finally, how can we forget the gay Republicans who voted for the tyrant Trump, swearing he’d never come for marriage equality. Welcome to the FAFO Club, kids! You get to join Muslim Republicans in Michigan and Latinos for Trump, like “Trump burger” guy in Texas who just knew Trump would only deport the “criminals.”
But is probably being taken to El Salvador by Dean Cain about now.
Turns out, he wasn’t going to be your retribution. He was always going to be retribution against you.
So enough of the GD right-wing sanctimony and self-loathing that present themselves in the form of life’s losers who can’t leave the rest of us alone. Exhausting.
I don’t want to know the gross story of your four marriages, Kim. You, and the phlegmatic, ideologically geriatric, colony of agra beetles with whom you surround yourself.
You want me to believe in God? Fine. If you and your corrupt, sanctimonious pals all suddenly disappear…DONE.
You go live your lives of dope-saturated pretense and non-stop failure and futility somewhere else…anywhere that will allow emotionally-sound humans to not be cursed by the knowledge of your existence.
But you won’t. So we’ll fight your attacks on our family, friends, neighbors and colleauges who love each other without apology. Those who don’t need religion to render their love valid because they’re busy shacking up with any warm body they happen to trip over.
NIH scientists say that mRNA vaccines have saved untold thousands of
lives. A heroin addled nepo baby whose brain was partially eaten by a
worm says mRNA vaccines are worthless and even dangerous. For busy
medical patients, it can be hard to know who to trust.
Thanks - I needed a laugh today. All the political stuff (except for the Texas dems in their legislature, or rather out at the moment) - anyhoo, the political stuff has been a gigantic downer, so thanks for the laugh.😂
As always Cliff, you take us to theater of the absurd. What a collective bunch of phony's and hypocrites. I do remember the beached whale in KY. You think she would have learned. There seems to be no end to the degradation of these serial buffoons. Thanks for the laughs and the ability you have to tear down real assholes.