My daughter is an OBGYN. She suggests parents encourage their daughters to have an IUD installed before attending college, especially, if they are in a red state with a ban on reproductive rights. It protects them so they have choices. Either that or attend college in a state where there are protective laws for reproductive health choices.
This is just so sad and infuriating. But Illinois is very nice! (I'm from Chicago.)
I cried reading this article. I was in college pre-Roe and my fellow yearbook photo co-editor got pregnant and had to go to NYC for an abortion. I'll never forget how traumatic that was for a lot of us.
It infuriates me every day. The other night I was at a club for local band concert. A guy I know came in with his 17-year-old daughter and her friend and stopped to chat. The girls were so nice and friendly and engaging, and I found myself depressed thinking about the unnecessary obstacles these terrific young girls are facing because some weak old men are scared about not being in charge all the time.
The hardest lesson I learnt as a parent is to trust that I did a good job and prepared my daughter to face the world. Her first year of Uni she lived at home, she studied what I wanted which was science, but she hated it and just barely scraped by. Towards the end of that year she informed me she wanted to transfer to Arts and do a BA. She also wanted to go to a different Uni, still in our province but a different city. My parenting skills rapidly became my focus, did I give her the tools to make good personal decisions when I wasn't there to pick up the pieces? Was she really ready to be farther away from me and face her own life and make her own decisions? Would she let me know when she needed me, did she know she never had to face anything alone?
Today she is a grown up at 32. She made the dean's list for her BA, then she went to Toronto, very far from our maritime home, and did a masters degree. After being away for nearly 2 years she came home and did a third degree.
She has become a strong and independent woman who I respect as much as I love. I've learnt to trust that I daughter her and prepared her for the world of adulthood and I don't second guess her decisions about her life.
My point is, we all doubt we have done enough as parents to prepare our kids for what they will face in the world, but most of us realize we did a good job, and we can relax. No matter where our children end up, we will always worry about them, it's a side effect of loving them as much as we do. But our kids learn to be responsible for their own choices. As mom's we know we will always be there for them, and as long as they know this, they will do what's right for them because they know they have our support.
I wish your daughter a wonderful future and I hope she enjoys university. When it's over, real life begins and it can be brutal. Just make sure she know you will always have her back and be there to support her and she will be fine. 🤗😊
The scar that has been left on the heart of every Mom, even though we are cheering them on. We feel your pain! PS, Grandkids are “The Best.” It’s only the beginning of the pride and joy to come. I admit, I think about the pain I caused my parents. Luckily there was a University in our town and I lived at home. I graduated in
3 1/2 years. Got married and moved from Texas to CA one month later. I was an only child and forever my Mom was my best friend.
They had their only child in their house for 21 years, then poof, I was gone. I was always considered the artist. After I left, my Mom started taking art lessons, turns out she should have gotten the Art Degree. She was a much better artist than I could ever be. She poured everything into me and actually found herself after she buried herself into something else.
She is! We compromised on a school 6 hours away, in a red state with a blue governor and so far so good 🤞🤞 Best of luck to your daughter. Definitely strange times we are living in!
Beautifully written, Dana. And your daughter's artwork is gorgeous. Things may be way different now. But when I was in college a zillion years ago, trying to decide what to major in, the CEO of a tech company (where my mom worked as an admin assistant) gave me some good advice. She said I should major in a subject that I love, not just some pragmatic default like Business or Economics. She said getting the degree ("the piece of paper" as she put it) was most important, but it did not matter the specificity (unless you're going into a career like medicine or engineering, etc). She said she majored in Dance and that every career she had after college basically had its own on-the-job training. But that "piece of paper" was all that was needed to get her foot in the door(s). So I majored in English/Creative Writing and had way more fun than I would have if I'd chosen to slog it out in Business or Marketing or whatever.
I loved this Dana. I felt the love, the concern, the desire to “launch” your daughter with precision and care. It reminded me of my mother taking me to Howard University. I know now I cheated her out of some motherly concerns and hugs. I was so independent. But, that’s how she raised me. We both laughed when she left me at the dorm, in my room, thinking all was well. Within 30 minutes I was making an emergency phone call because I was hungry, and the cafeteria was closed. I couldn’t leave campus without a chaperone. She drove back and took me to dinner. I was soooo glad to see her. I wasn’t as grown or independent as I thought. I still needed mom. So glad she knew to visit a friend and wait “just in case.” Thank you for sharing this important mother-daughter moment. It will be alright 🤗🥰.
Ultimately the choice belongs to your family, especially your daughter.
If it were me, I’d recommend Ireland. While right-wing crap is growing there because it is everywhere, they are much farther behind that point than we are.
They have good schools and friendly people. Dublin was absolutely lovely when I went there in 2016. It’s also not directly next to the most dangerous wealthy country in the world.
Furthermore, if she establishes roots there, you would have an easier in there if you needed to get out of here.
Whether she is out of state or out of country, when 💩 hits the fan, getting back to you would be treacherous either way. But geopolitically and environmentally, Ireland is more stable.
My friend in Ireland tried to get me to come over after Trump was declared the 2024 winner.
I almost did, but I’m older and I’ve had a full life already.
I have no kids of my own. I decided to take the big risk and stay. She still potentially has several decades.
Tremendous post Dana ! I can’t imagine those feelings of yours, my sins went to CC and both almost graduated, both a class or two short but retail $$ and schedules were more important, my daughters junior year of hs was beginning when my wife turned to the downward part of her cancer roller coaster and the administration of her high brow hs became overwhelming and she made it through that year but not academically at all and was asked to leave as she was not performing to standards they had set. She enrolled in an above average homeschool situation and did graduate although that was at the time when mom’s journey was accelerating downwards faster and she was the major helper in our care giving so CC was not the option for her. I feel your pain as best I can as I wonder what I can do to help them ( one son in In La w/gf) as they understand what’s happening yet are not comfortable in the world which will question their status, especially 2nd son who fits 45’s demographics unlike her who has more from me in that regard. She unfortunately will/may have to contend with the rainbow targeting, so they’re in their online safe worlds for the moment… proud of your daughter for her success and possibilities and you two for the combined nurturing that brought her to this place and time of hope… 🖖🙏🫶🏼
You forced her to take physics? How insanely cruel! Luckily, I was able to skip it, although I did of my own volition sign up for chemistry, a really bad choice after the teacher learned both my parents were chemists — and I had zero aptitude for it. I wish I'd done what my artistic sister did — insist on taking the state minimum of math and science, and filling in her major credits with four years of two languages.
Two years of physics! I didn’t force it specifically, but it’s the curriculum at her school.
Once section I cut from the essay—she has her worst grade in physics. But her letter of recommendation for college? Her physics teacher wrote it. There’s no question how her grit matters. 💜
One thing I've learned over many years is the importance of letting kids find their own interests and talents. My sister went through a process! Our high school counselor told her she was too bright to go to art school and should consider being a nuclear physicist. She HATED math and science and did everything to avoid them. My dad wanted her to go to a liberal arts school first. She got him to let her apply to one art school along with four liberal arts colleges (kids didn't apply to 30 schools in those days). She researched the most selective liberal arts schools hoping to get turned down but was accepted at all four and turned down by the art school. She said she wanted to go to the most expensive one. My dad said fine. She lasted one semester, came home, worked for half a year and went back to the then-new branch of our state U (Illinois/Chicago). At the end of the year, she told my parents she'd applied to and been accepted at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. At that point, they gave in, and that's where she graduated from. She discovered cooking while in grad school at the University of Chicago, and had a long career as a chef and restaurant owner. She recently retired and is still pursuing her passion for cooking every time we get together.
Unfortunately, I had no grit or confidence as a teenager, so I probably wouldn't have survived two years of physics intact. I went to a woman's college because our high school culture was so male-dominant in terms of boys automatically getting all the leadership roles. It was the best move I ever made. While clubs and activities can now be run by women, the climate as far as their personal bodily autonomy and the attitude of certain men has gotten so much worse. The whole "incel" thing where some men think they have a right to access women's bodies is really scary. When you look at mass shootings in the U.S. most are driven by either right-wing politics or misogyny — or often, both.
I respectfully disagree. I'm sure unintended; however, your reply reads as a bit judgemental. As Dana explains, it was required by her rigorous high school curriculum, and, in the end, served her well (as do most challenges in life).
Artistic talent runs in the family! This is a truly beautiful post. Adding your daughter's illustration made it just that much more delightful and real. Thank you, Dana.
My daughter is an OBGYN. She suggests parents encourage their daughters to have an IUD installed before attending college, especially, if they are in a red state with a ban on reproductive rights. It protects them so they have choices. Either that or attend college in a state where there are protective laws for reproductive health choices.
Yep 💜
This is just so sad and infuriating. But Illinois is very nice! (I'm from Chicago.)
I cried reading this article. I was in college pre-Roe and my fellow yearbook photo co-editor got pregnant and had to go to NYC for an abortion. I'll never forget how traumatic that was for a lot of us.
Oh my god I’m so sorry. I know this awaits my daughters or their friends and I’m gutted about it. 😢
It infuriates me every day. The other night I was at a club for local band concert. A guy I know came in with his 17-year-old daughter and her friend and stopped to chat. The girls were so nice and friendly and engaging, and I found myself depressed thinking about the unnecessary obstacles these terrific young girls are facing because some weak old men are scared about not being in charge all the time.
Yep 💔
Consider sending her overseas. Give her the future she deserves. America is finished
We’re considering it…
Powerful post. Thank you for describing this all too common scenario for young women and the parents of young women in our current environment.
Thank you Victoria—I super appreciate your kind words. 💜
The hardest lesson I learnt as a parent is to trust that I did a good job and prepared my daughter to face the world. Her first year of Uni she lived at home, she studied what I wanted which was science, but she hated it and just barely scraped by. Towards the end of that year she informed me she wanted to transfer to Arts and do a BA. She also wanted to go to a different Uni, still in our province but a different city. My parenting skills rapidly became my focus, did I give her the tools to make good personal decisions when I wasn't there to pick up the pieces? Was she really ready to be farther away from me and face her own life and make her own decisions? Would she let me know when she needed me, did she know she never had to face anything alone?
Today she is a grown up at 32. She made the dean's list for her BA, then she went to Toronto, very far from our maritime home, and did a masters degree. After being away for nearly 2 years she came home and did a third degree.
She has become a strong and independent woman who I respect as much as I love. I've learnt to trust that I daughter her and prepared her for the world of adulthood and I don't second guess her decisions about her life.
My point is, we all doubt we have done enough as parents to prepare our kids for what they will face in the world, but most of us realize we did a good job, and we can relax. No matter where our children end up, we will always worry about them, it's a side effect of loving them as much as we do. But our kids learn to be responsible for their own choices. As mom's we know we will always be there for them, and as long as they know this, they will do what's right for them because they know they have our support.
I wish your daughter a wonderful future and I hope she enjoys university. When it's over, real life begins and it can be brutal. Just make sure she know you will always have her back and be there to support her and she will be fine. 🤗😊
Your comment is wonderful! Thank you so much, truly. 💜
You are welcome. 🤗
Good luck to your daughter! You have been very conscientious about her wellbeing and about things she needs to know while she is away at school.
Thank you! I’m trying… 😊
The scar that has been left on the heart of every Mom, even though we are cheering them on. We feel your pain! PS, Grandkids are “The Best.” It’s only the beginning of the pride and joy to come. I admit, I think about the pain I caused my parents. Luckily there was a University in our town and I lived at home. I graduated in
3 1/2 years. Got married and moved from Texas to CA one month later. I was an only child and forever my Mom was my best friend.
My Mom was amazing and always my best friend. I lost her in 2011, now I’m the one mourning her absence.
They had their only child in their house for 21 years, then poof, I was gone. I was always considered the artist. After I left, my Mom started taking art lessons, turns out she should have gotten the Art Degree. She was a much better artist than I could ever be. She poured everything into me and actually found herself after she buried herself into something else.
Incredible! You were her first work of art. Sounds like she went on to make many others.
Awww. That’s a sweet story. 💜
I felt this exactly when my daughter was a senior last year! Very validating to read your same fears, feelings and concerns.
Thank you… seems like a strange thing to say. But it is a comfort when others relate to my words. I hope your daughter is thriving post-high school!
She is! We compromised on a school 6 hours away, in a red state with a blue governor and so far so good 🤞🤞 Best of luck to your daughter. Definitely strange times we are living in!
Glad to hear it! Her top choice school is in a red/purple state with a very red governor. 😢
Something to be said about hiding in plain sight! I’m in a blue state and it feels more risky right now than a red state 💔😔
I’m so freaked out by the reports out of Minneapolis. I’m in Seattle and it feels like we’ve gotta be on the short list.
100% it’s so awful and terrifying.
Beautifully written, Dana. And your daughter's artwork is gorgeous. Things may be way different now. But when I was in college a zillion years ago, trying to decide what to major in, the CEO of a tech company (where my mom worked as an admin assistant) gave me some good advice. She said I should major in a subject that I love, not just some pragmatic default like Business or Economics. She said getting the degree ("the piece of paper" as she put it) was most important, but it did not matter the specificity (unless you're going into a career like medicine or engineering, etc). She said she majored in Dance and that every career she had after college basically had its own on-the-job training. But that "piece of paper" was all that was needed to get her foot in the door(s). So I majored in English/Creative Writing and had way more fun than I would have if I'd chosen to slog it out in Business or Marketing or whatever.
I loved this Dana. I felt the love, the concern, the desire to “launch” your daughter with precision and care. It reminded me of my mother taking me to Howard University. I know now I cheated her out of some motherly concerns and hugs. I was so independent. But, that’s how she raised me. We both laughed when she left me at the dorm, in my room, thinking all was well. Within 30 minutes I was making an emergency phone call because I was hungry, and the cafeteria was closed. I couldn’t leave campus without a chaperone. She drove back and took me to dinner. I was soooo glad to see her. I wasn’t as grown or independent as I thought. I still needed mom. So glad she knew to visit a friend and wait “just in case.” Thank you for sharing this important mother-daughter moment. It will be alright 🤗🥰.
Oh, this story makes my heart ache. 💜
Ultimately the choice belongs to your family, especially your daughter.
If it were me, I’d recommend Ireland. While right-wing crap is growing there because it is everywhere, they are much farther behind that point than we are.
They have good schools and friendly people. Dublin was absolutely lovely when I went there in 2016. It’s also not directly next to the most dangerous wealthy country in the world.
Furthermore, if she establishes roots there, you would have an easier in there if you needed to get out of here.
Whether she is out of state or out of country, when 💩 hits the fan, getting back to you would be treacherous either way. But geopolitically and environmentally, Ireland is more stable.
My friend in Ireland tried to get me to come over after Trump was declared the 2024 winner.
I almost did, but I’m older and I’ve had a full life already.
I have no kids of my own. I decided to take the big risk and stay. She still potentially has several decades.
Tremendous post Dana ! I can’t imagine those feelings of yours, my sins went to CC and both almost graduated, both a class or two short but retail $$ and schedules were more important, my daughters junior year of hs was beginning when my wife turned to the downward part of her cancer roller coaster and the administration of her high brow hs became overwhelming and she made it through that year but not academically at all and was asked to leave as she was not performing to standards they had set. She enrolled in an above average homeschool situation and did graduate although that was at the time when mom’s journey was accelerating downwards faster and she was the major helper in our care giving so CC was not the option for her. I feel your pain as best I can as I wonder what I can do to help them ( one son in In La w/gf) as they understand what’s happening yet are not comfortable in the world which will question their status, especially 2nd son who fits 45’s demographics unlike her who has more from me in that regard. She unfortunately will/may have to contend with the rainbow targeting, so they’re in their online safe worlds for the moment… proud of your daughter for her success and possibilities and you two for the combined nurturing that brought her to this place and time of hope… 🖖🙏🫶🏼
Thank you so much, Rick. 💜💜
You forced her to take physics? How insanely cruel! Luckily, I was able to skip it, although I did of my own volition sign up for chemistry, a really bad choice after the teacher learned both my parents were chemists — and I had zero aptitude for it. I wish I'd done what my artistic sister did — insist on taking the state minimum of math and science, and filling in her major credits with four years of two languages.
Two years of physics! I didn’t force it specifically, but it’s the curriculum at her school.
Once section I cut from the essay—she has her worst grade in physics. But her letter of recommendation for college? Her physics teacher wrote it. There’s no question how her grit matters. 💜
One thing I've learned over many years is the importance of letting kids find their own interests and talents. My sister went through a process! Our high school counselor told her she was too bright to go to art school and should consider being a nuclear physicist. She HATED math and science and did everything to avoid them. My dad wanted her to go to a liberal arts school first. She got him to let her apply to one art school along with four liberal arts colleges (kids didn't apply to 30 schools in those days). She researched the most selective liberal arts schools hoping to get turned down but was accepted at all four and turned down by the art school. She said she wanted to go to the most expensive one. My dad said fine. She lasted one semester, came home, worked for half a year and went back to the then-new branch of our state U (Illinois/Chicago). At the end of the year, she told my parents she'd applied to and been accepted at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. At that point, they gave in, and that's where she graduated from. She discovered cooking while in grad school at the University of Chicago, and had a long career as a chef and restaurant owner. She recently retired and is still pursuing her passion for cooking every time we get together.
Unfortunately, I had no grit or confidence as a teenager, so I probably wouldn't have survived two years of physics intact. I went to a woman's college because our high school culture was so male-dominant in terms of boys automatically getting all the leadership roles. It was the best move I ever made. While clubs and activities can now be run by women, the climate as far as their personal bodily autonomy and the attitude of certain men has gotten so much worse. The whole "incel" thing where some men think they have a right to access women's bodies is really scary. When you look at mass shootings in the U.S. most are driven by either right-wing politics or misogyny — or often, both.
I respectfully disagree. I'm sure unintended; however, your reply reads as a bit judgemental. As Dana explains, it was required by her rigorous high school curriculum, and, in the end, served her well (as do most challenges in life).
I read the “insanely cruel” with tongue in cheek, or at least in good spirit. But I appreciate you defending my parenting! 💜
Artistic talent runs in the family! This is a truly beautiful post. Adding your daughter's illustration made it just that much more delightful and real. Thank you, Dana.