Kristi Noem, Denied the Dignity of Pretending She Matters
Denying ICE Barbie a Toilet is an Act of Resistance
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By all outward appearances, Kristi Noem regards herself as a law enforcement warrior queen.
ICE weaponry in one hand, a DHS badge in the other, she gallops into hostile territory to strike fear into the hearts of “lawless” migrant-welcoming cities.
Unfortunately for Noem, the only fear she inflicted in the Chicago suburbs last week was the expectation her crap would clog, soil, and stink up a municipal john.
Noem and her tag-along camera crew made an unannounced visit to the Broadview, Illinois police headquarters. They said they needed to use the facilities.
What happened next was glorious, rank, local government defiance.
Faced with the Secretary of Homeland Security—a title that sounds impressive until you remember Noem seems too dim to understand automatic flushers—the good workers of the Broadview P.D. did not faint, salute, nor budge.
But most importantly, they did not allow Noem and her entourage anywhere near the building’s restrooms.
“No, you cannot,” came the response from behind the locked front door — five syllables of cold Midwestern steel. In that moment, Broadview became the moral capital of the United States.
Let’s be clear: Kristi Noem is not a real official so much as she is a walking campaign ad—a billboard made of hair spray and hollow platitudes.
Her appearance in Illinois was not a mission and not a meeting. It was a stunt. A pitiful, flailing piece of theater, staged for the cameras, designed to portray a woman of action braving the crime-riddled wastelands of Democratic cities.
And all Noem got was a locked lavatory.
Noem of course cried foul, fuming that an Illinois government-funded building rejected her. And with her whining, Noem confirmed what many of us have long suspected: Kristi Noem is not built for the hard business of federal governance.
She is built for petulance.
The world must bow, or she sulks. In this case, she sulked all the way back to Washington. D.C. for an appearance on Fox News, the Trump propaganda channel.
A place where indignation flows like boxed wine and facts are regarded with the same suspicion as hand dryers.
The entire episode is the sort of thing one might expect from a second-tier county commissioner with delusions of grandeur, not a supposed steward of national security.
But this is the state of the Trump administration. It’s a circus of mediocrities, each convinced that their title should come with feudal rights to toilets and praise.
It’s worth noting that the building Noem tried to enter was not abandoned, not closed, not shuttered by anarchists or anti-ICE protestors. It was a functioning government office that chose not to allow a camera-wielding DHS entourage to barge in unannounced.
The refusal was not “shameful,” as Noem shrieked, but righteous. It was an affirmation of local dignity against the traveling carnival of Trump’s authoritarian vanity.
The Chicago-area workers who denied Noem access deserve not only commendation, but elevation. Perhaps they can be promoted to Cabinet-level positions themselves.
If only to fill the vacuum of adult supervision currently afflicting the Department of Homeland Security.
And as for Secretary Noem: if she cannot secure access to a single toilet or is unable to figure out how to rent a Port-o-potty, perhaps she is not the iron-fisted security czar she pretends to be.
Perhaps she is just another self promoter with a press release. Strutting from state to state, hoping the next door opens wide enough for both her ego and her camera crew.
In the end, all she wanted was to relieve herself. Mission accomplished—though not in the way she intended.
Still, Noem can be thankful for at least one thing this week. She is not Kash Patel.
The Trump FBI director is so hated, so utterly despised even within the administration, that a Trump white house official was recently caught texting another that Patel is a “giant douche canoe.”
Patel’s latest douche-baggery includes firing 15 FBI agents for de-escalating a confrontation 5 years ago by kneeling with Black Lives Matters protesters.
The agents got everybody to go home that tense day in Washington, D.C. without violence or confrontation.
But under Trump, de-escalation is a sin. Law enforcement is for attacking people, not protecting them.
Patel also fired an FBI agent recently who committed the crime of displaying an LGBTQ pride flag at a desk. And in the same week, Patel terminated an FBI agent who refused to arrange a perp walk of former FBI director James Comey.
One is tempted to laugh, but the joke is on the rest of us.
For every kneeling agent fired, a Trump bootlicker is promoted. For every badge of conscience discarded, a lapel pin of MAGA ideological purity is pinned in its place.
And so the Bureau lurches on—but not toward justice.
Toward a future where loyalty is demanded, but never earned; where courage is punished, and cowardice rewarded; and where leaders like Kash Patel mistake the hollow clanging of their own echo chamber for the voice of the Republic.
Kash Patel and Kristi Noem (along with Pete Hegseth, Pam Bondi, Stephen Miller…) are not administrators of law and order or security. These are clowns whose skills are limited to vengeance, small mindedness, and uncut political theater.
America has had plenty of despicable louts in high places before. But few have been so smug in their mediocrity, so thunderously pleased with their own pettiness, as are Kash Patel and Kristi Noem.
These Trump stooges mistake the flattery of power for the sound of principle. Only now, Americans are pushing back by holding the line.
And faced with the Trump administration’s lunatic policies and literal desire to crap everywhere and anywhere, the local and state response is increasingly “no, you can not.”
That sound, that recoil, is getting louder.
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Maybe next time while out and about, she should borrow a diaper from her boss.
I think it was great. Treat her the way she treats others (animals not included). She is aiding and abetting a dictator that delights in terrorizing innocent men, women & children. The police chose not to aid and comfort her. I say Bravo. Maybe all of them should be trailed with a bank of portapotties. We’ve paid for stupider things.