Eric Trump: Patron Saint of the Stupid Rich
While Americans ration groceries, Trump’s dimmest heir lectures the nation on midnight billion-dollar Bitcoin transfers over Merlot.
by Cliff Schecter
I know this will be hard to believe, but there once was a time, back in olden days, when we valued competence.
We wanted the best engineers to build bridges, the best teachers to shape minds, and the best leaders to not purposely eradicate economic growth. Ya know, while live-tweeting it.
But somewhere along the way, clownish, constitutional carnivores came along and began taking brontosaurus-sized bites out of our founding document and unwritten operating agreement that supported it.
We had something called a “Newt Gingrich” imploding the House with hysteria and heresy here, a Mitch McConnell sabotaging the Senate and judiciary with corporate acts of carnality there. And a Sarah Palin. She could see Russia from her house!
America decided mediocrity was more fun than people who knew stuff and wanted to govern. Elect a guy you wanna have a beer with! Hell, Reagan climbed into bed with a chimpanzee! Fred Thompson’s future may’ve been riding golf carts to shill for reverse mortgages in ads to impoverish the elderly, but did you see him in Die Hard 2!?
How can you not vote for the guy who sang “I Got You Babe?”
Along the way, many a reverse mortgage salesman—some Democrats to be sure, but an exponentially increasing percent of the GOP to the point where nothing else is left—started running for office with a lack understanding and/or caring that their job was to work for the people.
And then, hello Second Gilded Age.
One where a reality-show President with the wit of a drunken walrus would actually fight in court to starve Americans. Yes, Trump argued in court that food our laws required him to give people—so they don’t die—should be denied. So they do.
And now, we’ve arrived at the logical conclusion of all this—Eric Trump, the barking embodiment of dumb-son nepotism. A laughable lout with inherited intellectual necrosis and the empathy of a Terminator wrapped in designer smugness.
In Eric we have the heir to a political dynasty so corrupt it saddens Tammany Hall because they’re not here to stand and clap.
A guy whose gums provide enough space to shelter-in-place during EF3 and worse tornadoes. A person whose existence makes it so when you refer to the “the dumb Trump son,” you’re somehow not talking about Don Jr.
This past week, as millions of Americans rationed groceries and struggled to pay medical bills…Eric popped up on Fox Business—the only outlet to agree to expand the size of its cameras to fit his skull—to serenade us with the wisdom of a newly minted billionaire. Who earned it all with his wit, wisdom, and legally, of course.
In any case, after talking down American banks—patriotic!—as “slow” and “lethargic” in conducting business, Eric shared this golden nugget:
How is that modern-day finance?…You can send $500 million worth of bitcoin on a Sunday night at, you know, at 11 p.m. while having a glass of wine with your wife for virtually zero fees.
And let’s be honest, haven’t we all found ourselves wondering how to do this over a nice Merlot at 11pm on a Sunday?
Yes, the man whose family took a prosperous economy and with a series of the dumbest f*king economic policies this side of Pol Pot. Delivered stagflation that’s starting to spin out of control.
He had solid advice for working America. For some reason, it made me think of this:
Someone whose daddy—that’d be Don J.—is gifting Argentina’s equally loopy leadership $40 million of our money to bail them out from the very policies Trump’s enacting here, wants you to marvel at the wonders of frictionless billion-dollar transfers.
Not food security. Not living wages. Not affordable insulin. Let them inject cake! No, it’s what you’ve always cried out for. Not paid family leave, dumb-dumb. But crypto convenience for all!
Because when you’ve never worked a day in your life, money isn’t survival. It’s a parlor trick. Just some fun on a Sunday night for you and your equally inebriated, wholly out-of-touch, fellow dumb-son nepo friends! Future subjects of lawsuits over stolen equity!
And of course, nothing would be complete with The Family Trump if there weren’t a con in there somewhere. So of course behind his personal Trumpian word salad—the Caesar with the Russian dressing—sits a scam dressed up as innovation.
The family’s sprawling, barely-concealed crypto operation, from the Trump Meme Coin—which in the near future probably gets you a Diet Sprite at the nearest vending machine—to their companies. Such as World Liberty Financial.
Together they’ve made the family’s billions, as anyone wishing to buy influence with a family willing to sell it to literally anyone—including inanimate objects—can invest.
And don’t forget to buy those Trump sneakers, watches, guitars, and Bibles! Sure, it violates the Constitution’s Emoluments Clause, but who cares! It’s not like John Roberts or Mike Johnson are gonna to anything. 😄 😁 😆
It would be funny if it weren’t so perfectly tragic. A nation where the dopey-ist son of a fake billionaire (pre-crypto scams) turned fake president lectures the struggling masses about how easy it is to move half a billion dollars. While sipping Merlot.
This led Senator Mark Kelly to share a few words…a Democratic Senator who didn’t betray us on the government shutdown, and fights to bring about the fall of The House Of Trump:
You know, there was a time when Republicans tried to hide corruption and keep the family idiots outta sight. But Eric is the chef’s kiss to Trump’s modus operandi and avatar of our times.
Appoint incompetent dilettantes to power. If you’re Trump, you know nobody will stop you. Who cares if they screw up, as long as it lands you money/power/fame/sex. The corporate media sure won’t call you out (don’t wanna be partisan!). And, again, what are John Roberts or Mike Johnson gonna do about it, much less the GOP Senate?
In the past, the Billy Carters, the Neil Bushes, the Roger Clintons, America’s political families, used to send these family members to the basement by telling them to fetch some fire wood. Then they lock the door for four to eight years. Keeping them out of sight was crucial.
But what do you do when your whole family makes Billy Carter seem like Gary Kasparov? So, Eric Trump may be the dumbest, but nobody else in that family would’ve been allowed in public if they were in any earlier presidential clan.
So Eric’s the one they send on air, in front of the cameras and everything, when The Epstein Files are are leaking into a flood, Trump looks like he’s been dead two years and nobody told him, and the American people are losing access to food and doctors.
As former New Jersey Democratic Rep. Tom Malnowki put it:
Eric, we’ve got you, babe. The very face of American descent. Dumb, decadent, and deeply disconnected. Not the exception to the rule. But it! A system that rewards depravity and punishes competence, kindness and veracity.
Look, these people don’t trip into corruption, they wake up every morning and put it on like cologne. Trump Cologne.
The Trumps just took things that last step and made our politics a carnival ride for con artists. It’s the gilded ouroboros of American decline. the stupid devouring the sensible, a Fox hit at a time.
Eric’s the perfect mascot for the era, where ignorance is lucrative and the shameless rewarded for selling the country by the byte. He’s end-stage-democracy mediocrity and venality.
The truth, though, is this isn’t inevitable.
The reason Eric Trump can play crypto prophet while the rest of America can’t afford eggs is because we let this circus keep its tent. We let billionaires define success, corporate-media define normal, and corrupt Republicans define “I dare Chuck Schumer to stop me.”
The antidote isn’t despair—it’s the bright light of exposure and fury needed to fight these MFers every day. Rip off the gold leaf, my friends, and what you find underneath ain’t genius. Just grift, greed, and a generational habit of chewing on lead-paint chips.
What’s the answer? More marches. More election blowouts. More, authentic, charismatic, modern Democrats. More fighting fire with fire (California’s ballot-measure win on redistricting led Indiana to drop their plans to redistrict, a big defeat for Trump). No more Hateful-Eight Democrats
And then Eric Trump can go do reverse mortgage ads. Behind bars.
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P.S. Corporate media won’t print this — they’re too busy pretending Eric Trump knows how crypto or democracy works. But you just did.
Love when Stephen Colbert makes fun of him!
Wow, some high octane acid in those comments, I like that. Sadly there too many people who have bought genuine Chinese bibles, ignored the hypocrisy and and out right incompetence of koolaide drinking MAGA’s. What they do is point fingers, always always at somebody else.