Who Goes to Hell? Dan Patrick Just Ruled
He damned a Sunday school teacher from the convention stage. The receipts are worse.
by David Shuster
There is no office in Texas government more remarkable than the one Dan Patrick appears to have created for himself: Lieutenant Governor, President of the Senate, and Acting Registrar of the Kingdom of Heaven.
At the recent Texas Republican convention, Patrick informed the faithful that democratic Senate candidate James Talarico is guilty of blasphemy and is bound for hell. One imagines St. Peter learning of this arrangement and being more than a bit surprised. For two millennia the Church has debated salvation with great care; Patrick settled the matter in between GOP applause lines.
It was an astonishing performance for a man who professes devotion to a book that contains a rather memorable warning from its central figure: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
Jesus did not add the customary modern political exception: “...unless the other fellow is running as a Democrat and doesn’t wear a black jacket and mock turtleneck.”
That omission seems to have escaped the Lieutenant Governor. Common sense also escaped Patrick. He accused James Talarico of being “Low-T” as in low testosterone. Never mind that testosterone is not a problem for young men, though it’s a huge problem for elderly men like Patrick, whose sartorial choices and receding gray hair only seemed to underscore the GOP elder’s projection.
James Talarico presents a vexing problem for the Texas Republican establishment.
He is not a secular progressive dismissing Christianity from public discourse. He teaches Sunday school. He reads Scripture closely. He quotes the Gospels with enough familiarity to make people who merely wave them around extremely uncomfortable. He has the habit of asking what Jesus actually said about the poor, the stranger, mercy, forgiveness, humility, and the corrupting influence of wealth and power.
That is not blasphemy.
It is simply awkward for politicians whose preferred Bible passages never interfere with tax policy or campaign talking points.
Modern Texas Republicans have perfected an extraordinary theological innovation. Christianity is now only measured by partisan affiliation. The Beatitudes have become optional; party orthodoxy is mandatory. The Sermon on the Mount is treated not as divine instruction but rather as a draft that should have gone through a round of GOP editing.
But it gets even wilder. Republican Senate candidate Ken Paxton has added to the hypocrisy by declaring that James Talarico lacks “Texas values.”
This is rich.
What comes next—the impeachment file, the criminal indictment, the airport photo, and where Ken Paxton chose to spend America’s 250th birthday—is for paid subscribers. It is worth every penny.
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